You don't get to chose everything in life.....

As I've talked about before, I have bipolar disorder. I haven't chosen to have this illness and I do everything I can to try and minimise the effect it has on me and my family. I take my medications at the right times and attend all of my appointments.

Some days I'm like any other person and that's great, that's the goal I aim for. Unfortunately I have no control over what mood phase I will go through just as you don't have control over the weather.

Darren left work earlier in the year to become my full time carer. I'm not going into how much Darren does for me or the family as I'm not going to try and justify the fact he needs to be at home. It wasn't a lifestyle choice for Darren to leave work and for us to be on benefits as a result and I'm writing this blog post to explain my shock at the misunderstanding and judgement people pass on us daily.

Some seem to think that living on benefits you have lots of money and can afford luxuries. That isn't the case. We struggle just as much as everybody else to make sure there is food on the table, gas/electric/water is paid, our car being kept on the road with fuel in. We have to plan ahead for christmas and birthdays just as we always have. We have enough money coming in to survive, not to splurge out on shopping sprees.

We don't sit around all day everyday drinking, smoking and watching Jeremy kyle. When I'm unwell I'm unable to do much if anything.  I struggle to leave my bed or the sofa let alone the house. The pressure on Darren is immense at times and work would be an easier option for him, but not an option he can take at present.

Bipolar is an illness that is inside, you can't see the daily torture it can bring to the person and people around them.

Before judging people on benefits, someone who is unwell with an illness that isn't visible or carer, think again. They haven't chosen the path they are following. They are probably secretly struggling and don't need judgements added to their daily issues.

Summer holidays

The summer holidays have arrived!

My two older children have completed year 2 and reception class at school and have now broken up for the school summer holidays. YAY :)

We don't have lots of plans because as always its tricky due to the British weather. The only plans we have so far are going to Camp Bestival at Lulworth Castle and a camping trip with friends booked towards the end of the holidays. I'm hoping we're lucky enough to get dry weather for both these camping trips, camping in wet weather really doesn't appeal to me.

I feel lucky living near the south coast as if the weather is dry there are so many things we can do that please all three children very cheaply or for free. Within an hour or so of driving we're able to reach some wonderful parks, beautiful beaches or tranquil walks in the countryside depending on what it is we fancy doing.

I envisage us going on many dog walks, lots of play park trips, spending time at the beach playing in the sand and watching fireworks glistening over the sea. It'd be nice to have a couple of special days out such as the Bournemouth air days, indoor soft play and maybe a day at Legoland (courtesy of Tesco Clubcard vouchers) if the weather allows. Not to forget some lazy days in.

I'm keeping everything crossed for a dry 6 weeks so we're able to have a really memorable summer holidays.  Bring it on :D

The past year with bipolar

A year ago I was in hospital due to a very low period in my mood. I knew I'd have a hard time stabilising my mind but I never knew it would take so long.

I've had many medication changes and am again currently in a very low dark place. My panic attacks have become an issue for me again, but that always becomes a problem when I feel 'unwell'.

I felt very alone and didn't want talk to anyone about how I was feeling again this time. I felt embarrassed and judged which was something I thought I'd delt with. Once I did start telling friends I was surprised at how many said they'd noticed I hadn't looked or seemed myself and I've been overwhelmed with how caring and supportive some of my friends are. I'm so very lucky.

As always Darren has been my rock. He knows when I can't handle things and he never fails to step in and help me. Unfortunately this time Darren hasn't been able to work while caring for me and made the hard choice to leave work. It's such a huge relief to have him home and its aiding hugely in me feeling better.

At the moment I'm going through yet another medication change which explains why I'm low and anxious at the moment. I'm not sure I feel that things will ever get better but I'm trying to be hopeful.

For now, I'm going to focus on waking up every morning and spending time with my family and fitting in seeing friends as a bonus. I tire very quickly which then doesn't help my mood so I'm trying to find a balance.

At least it's Easter so there is plenty of chocolate about and I get to relax with all my babies at home rather then school runs and club runs.

Happy Easter everybody!!!

Another year over

So today is the last day of 2012. Many reflect on the year while making plans for the new.
I'm not sure how I feel 2012 was for me personally. There have been good times along with bad but I'm thankful that its not been horrendous and that I'll be going into 2013 with all who I love.
This year my health seems to have dominated my days and thoughts from tooth trouble to head trouble and my bipolar.
I started the year on a particular low which wasn't able to be managed with my normal medication which is when I ended up spending nearly 3 weeks in a phsyciatric unit. I left there with new friendships made and a brighter outlook. Going in there when I did saved my life without a doubt and I'm grateful to my friends, family and the staff that look after me with ongoing care, input and support.
Once all seemed to be getting back on track I started struggling with headaches and awful vision. After emergency ct scans, lumbar punctures and eye clinic appointments I was diagnosed with idiopathic intracranial hypertension which was too much pressure in my brain. More medication added to my daily doses was introduced to control this which has helped a lot.
My final health issue of this year has been my teeth. I obviously couldn't possibly have a year with no tooth problems so my mouth caused me pain and a cyst in my jaw to end the year!!
On positive notes however my three wonderfully beautiful children have all had a happy healthy year with only colds and coughs hitting any of them. Reggie has seen his first birthday, Georgina has started primary school and Ethan has continued to grow into a lovely kind little man. I couldn't be a prouder mummy and my wish for 2013 is to continue watching my babies growing and blossoming into wonderful little people.
2013 is an incredible year for Darren and myself as in march we will have been together 10 years. We're both proud of what we have been through together, how we have supported one another and how we still manage to be best friends and stronger than ever.
All in all I'm a very lucky lucky lady who can't grumble at anything about 2012. If we can make it another year with us all staying happy and healthy with a house full of love I couldn't possibly ask for any more!!
Here's to wishing everybody a happy, healthy, wealthy 2013!!

Facebook.....good or bad???

I think I know about 10 people who aren't on Facebook. All for various reasons. Some say its because its not their cup of tea, others have no idea how it works and then those who say it causes them more hassle then it's worth.

I'm personally seeing that its not Facebook that's the culprit but people on Facebook themselves!!!

I'm not pointing fingers at anyone specific as I think every single person on the site has had 'hassle' from being a member. It's more of a case that something you have said, be it a status, a comment, picture upload or checking in somewhere that has caused trouble, or on the opposite scale you having an issue with somebody else doing exactly that.

I'm a true Facebook addict. I love passing time catching up on what's going on with 'friends', seeing their photos and what they're doing. Equally I love showing off pictures of my beautiful family and updating my status with 'what's on my mind'.

Facebook infuriates me but also fills me with a happy buzz, depending on what I'm reading. Some people just constantly moan, others non stop bitching, and there is always someone constantly bragging that their life is the best. I also see things that fill me with admiration for some people. It's amazing how some have the worst things thrown at them yet they hold their head high, never moan, update on the situation and deal with it, truly inspirational!!!

I'm a big fan and don't see myself ever leaving the site, but before you moan about Facebook causing you hassle or grief think it through...is it Facebook...really????

Don't expect the worst.

I had been dreading the summer holidays more then I can say. How would I manage keeping three monkeys entertained for 6 whole weeks alone, I honestly thought I'd end up back in hospital like I did during the Easter holidays.

Well with only two weeks to go the end is in sight and I have loved the holidays!! The kids have been laid back and enjoyed restful days aswell as busy ones.

We haven't done anything massively exciting as I haven't yet found a money tree but we've enjoyed walks in the woods, trips to the park with friends, lots of picnics and of course both reggie and Ethan have had birthdays. Luckily Darren has had most Wednesdays off which split the week up making it more manageable in bite size pieces.

I regret expecting the worst but I think most people do, after all 6weeks is a long time.

Let the redecorating commence

It's June half term and I'd hoped to spend it enjoying the sun and taking trips to the park with the children. Instead we've spent most of our time indoors playing, watching films and doing jigsaw puzzles because of the horrid weather. Don't get me wrong, it's been nice, but not as nice as running around outside would have been.

The children don't go back to school until Tuesday as Monday is an inset day. This weekend all three children are going to stay with their auntie, uncle and two cousins for two nights. They are incredibly excited, they love being there. I'm a little anxious. Two nights seems like such a long time. I've never been apart from them for that long. However, Darren and I have a busy weekend planned. As a surprise for the children we are redecorating their rooms. The boys are now in one room and Georgina has her own room. We will be spending every second painting, sorting electrics and making curtains ready for their return on Sunday. I can't wait to see their faces! They are absolutely clueless to our plans. They haven't even asked what we will be doing while they are away.

Let the busy weekend commence!!!