Well, at the best of times I'm an anxious, panicky worrier! I worry about everything, and I mean everything!! The general pattern for me is i begin to worry, with worry sometimes comes a bit of paranoia which in turn leads to anxiety resulting in a panic attack. I know from the start that it's coming and I'm fully aware it's likely to end in a panic attack but there is nothing I can do to stop it or even ease it, it completely controls me and consumes my thoughts!!
I've decided to blog about my anxiety and panic attacks now because I'v had two particular instances this week that always trigger it for me. So I'll start at the beginning. This could possibly turn into a lengthy post, you have been warned!!
I have a fear of dentists. A huge fear of dentists. No reason why as far as I can think of, maybe it's fear of pain, I'm not sure. At my last check up I was told I would need a wisdom tooth extraction under a general anesthetic in hospital. The thought alone filled me with anxe. A few weeks after my routine dental check up my hospital appointment arrived for Monday 20th feb. I marked it in my diary and anxiously awaited the dreaded day. I tried to bury the thought in the back of my mind as though it may disappear. I obviously knew it wouldn't but in my mind it was the safest way of thinking. With the day approaching my anxiety started to grow. With each thought my heart would race, breath felt shallow and my palms would become sweaty. These were only mild panic attacks compared to most but they were panic attacks none the less and unpleasant to experience.
My second panicky situation this week came when I felt my throat was swelling. My sister is anaphylactic with no known cause as to why. Her first anaphylactic experience I was with her. It was one of the scariest days of my life watching her becoming so poorly so quickly and seeing the panic of the doctor as he tried to right the wrongs of the imbalance in her body to literally save her life. I felt that I'd terribly let her down as I walked out of the room and left her. I was petrified that if I stayed, I'd witness my sister dying infront of me, something I couldn't cope with. Since this day, to add to my list of fears I became terrified of allergic reactions, hence the fear that filled my body as I felt my throat become tighter. Deep down I thought it was swelling from illness, but none the less, to be on the safe side I felt the need to be in the hospital. The drive there felt like hours. I'd get all anxious and start thinking my airways were closing, sure I'd die while driving. My mind would run a million synarios, all negative and unhelpful. After a few minutes it would ease, not for long though. Throughout the journey my panic would reach an all time high, where I truly thought the worst. It would begin to ease, then build back up again. I knew, somewhere, deep deep down inside I was being silly, but at that height of panic I couldn't access the rational thoughts in my mind. It's so frustrating! Once at the hospital I began to feel relaxed. After all, in the highly unlikely event, if I did have an anaphylactic shock (which I never have had) I was in the right place to be saved.
After a while of being monitored and reassured the Dr told me my diagnosis, which was not an allergic reaction. Relieved, but also feeling silly I left the hospital.
When I got home I took my antibiotics that i had to start taking again and went to bed. I was exhausted and still felt very unwell, sore and achy. After a few hrs of rest my throat still felt like razor blades so I took co-codamol and and sucked on a throat lozenge. I drifted back to the land of nod while Darren took care of all the day to day tasks.
When I woke feeling much more refreshed I became a couch potato and cuddled up with Georgina on the sofa to watch some tele. While sitting there feeling not too bad I itched my neck. It felt as though I had a rash. I went and looked in the mirror and was sure I could see a nettle type rash on my neck. I asked Darren if my neck looked ok, knowing he was unaware that a rash was an allergic reaction symptom. He said 'looks like you have a nettle rash'. I explained that was a symptom. He looked at my tongue and confirmed it was swollen. My heart began racing faster then it ever had. My palms weren't moist, they were wet. This was it, I 'knew' I was going to turn anaphylactic any minute. I rung my mum who barely spoke, she just said ring and see a Dr, now! Darren rung and was told by the doctors receptionist that there were no available appointments for the day. He simply said she has a swollen tongue and nettle rash, she told Darren to bring me in immediately. It was a sudden rush to get all three children out of the door while feeling tight chested, swollen and itchy. Was this a panic attack or was this real? Am I having an allergic reaction? I was told at hospital I wasn't, was I going to look a complete fool turning up as an emergency at the doctors surgery last thing in the day to be told there is nothing wrong. I knew I had no choice but to be seen, but still, It was a possibility that I may walk away feeling I'd wasted everyone's time. I know panic attacks feel so real.
You are so so sure that it's a real feeling, stroke, heart attack, sickness, whatever it may be, in your mind you are sure! How was I meant to be sure I was having an allergic reaction?
I went in and explained everything to the Dr. He confirmed that yes I was having an allergic reaction. After some discussion, we came to the conclusion that this has been a slow build up, each time gradually becoming worse every time I took co-codamol. Although gutted that I was allergic to codeine based medications, I felt relieved that there was something there and I hadn't conjured it all up in my mind like the mental case I was concerned I was being. I was prescribed antihistamines and he advised that I don't take products containing codeine again. Frustratingly this leaves me with a very limited range of painkillers as I'm also allergic to anti-inflammatories.
I know in my mind that this leaves me with a constant future battle of anaphylactic paranoia and phobia. The Dr explained he has only ever had one anaphylactic lady patient (which i expect is actually my sister) in all his years of practice. He is near retirement age so has many years of practice behind him which reassures me. I am aware however that when my irrational thoughts come to trouble me again his reassuring words won't enter the equation and again, I will be sure that this time is the time and i'll be certain that I'm about to die.
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