The start of a long journey.....

Over the years since meeting Darren my weight has been a battle. A silent battle that I've always been embarrassed about and therefore kept quiet as though no one else would notice.

When we met I was a tiny size 8. I didn't realise at the time being so young how lucky I was to have a figure like I did. I was perfectly proportioned for my height and never did I struggle to find clothes. I was able to walk into any shop, pick up a size 8 and it always looked as though it were made for me. I quickly became content in my relationship with Darren and therefore the lbs slowly but surely started to pile on. It never seemed to bother Darren therefore it didn't bother me. To start with anyway.

When I got married my wedding dress was a size 14. Everyone always seemed shocked when I'd say I was a 14 saying I looked smaller, therefore I carried on denying I was getting bigger.

A year of marriage passed and we then found out we were expecting our first child. Well, this meant my weight didn't matter for the next year as being a women and being pregnant surely eating was one comfort I was allowed. My denial carried on as I made excuses in my mind.

Ethan was born and I managed to fit back into my Pre-pregnancy clothes fairly soon after. My maternity clothes weren't put away for long though as I found out I was expecting again when Ethan was 7months old. My bad eating habits continued even longer.

After having Georgina the weight has piled on and on. I enjoy food and have genuinely struggled to not eat the foods I enjoy. You only live once after all. I was then pregnant with reggie and was put on tablets that I was told could cause weight gain. That then stuck in my head as another excuse.

Well here I am, 9 years after meeting Darren and several stone heavier. I can no longer ignore my size and make excuses. I am fat and there is no other word to use. I look in the mirror and could cry as I remember the me who was once thin and see someone totally different. I'm so angry for allowing myself to become this size. Well not anymore!!!

My aim is to be a size 10/12 within the next year. This is going to be hard work and I really need to exercise as well as eat properly. The reason my target is one year is because in march 2013 Darren and I will have been together 10years and I'd like to be able to look back with fond memories of being slim 10years ago rather than being upset that I'm not that size.

So here my journey starts and I'm going to try and blog my progress. I want to blog the hard times where I want to stop and share my pride as I lose. Now with a swimming memebership sorted and a cross trainer in my living room I'm all set and ready to go.......

Mothers day

Today is mothers day and I have been truly spoilt!! Not only have I recieved gifts and cards from my three children and Darren but I've also enjoyed a day of sleep and rest.

This afternoon Darren ran me a hot bubble bath using smellies that the children had given me. While laying there with my eyes closed my thoughts ran. It crossed my mind of all the children who, for whatever reason don't have a mummy to say happy mothers day to. The thought filled me with sadness.

It then occurred to me that I don't know what the future holds. I just hope I will be here many more years to come so that I get to spend many mothers days with my babies!!

Darren is my husband. He is also my soul mate and my bestest friend. He is an amazing daddy and a fabulous role model to our three children. I know, as sad as the thought might be, but if one day I wasn't here, he would also fill my shoes as best he could and be a spectacular mummy too!!!

Happy mothers to day to all mummies, past, present and future.
xxxxx

My baby boys progress

So today is the 9th of march 2012. This means that today my youngest child is 7months old. It's strange. Part of me thinks wow, this is going far too fast. The other part of me feels like he has been here forever and I can't remember him ever being a baby and not being part of the family!!

I am a very proud mummy. I'm proud of all of my children and all for different things. I don't like to boast, nor do I like other people boasting, I think it's unnecessary and can frankly be rude in many ways. Yet I find myself doing exactly this. I can't help it!! I'm so exreamly proud that I want to shout from the rooftops of my children's achievements and I'm sure this probably classes as boasting.

This whole blog is probably going to be me boasting in all honestly, so if you don't want to know I'd stop reading now!!

Reggie has accomplished a lot I feel for a 7month old. He didn't stay a 'baby' for long. While still in hospital he was lifting his head away from my shoulder as i held him, the midwives were amazed. He was then rolling over at just weeks old. I doubt many would have believed it, I was just glad the health visitor witnessed it before she thought I was stark raving mad. Her response was similar to 'wow, I've never seen anything like it, a three week old baby rolling!'

Because of these two milestones being met early I was aware that my newborn baby was incredibly strong and unlikely to stay my baby for long, much to my upset. Reggie is my last baby so my hope from the start was that I'd be able to keep him a baby for as long as possible to really make the most of it and enjoy the baby stage. Reggie however had different ideas. So far he is doing most things early. A few weeks after mastering rolling over he was able to sit up. Realising that there was more to learn he became unstoppable I'd say. He found he could go on all fours and rock. He then managed to wriggle around the room before discovering crawling. He started crawling at just 4months old and that was it, my baby finally growing up and me realising I wasnt ever going to be able to stop him.

Now at 7months old to the day he is able to pull himself up and cruise around the furniture. He is briefly able to let go of whatever he is holding to keep his balance and stand unaided. Then only yesterday, while thinking my house was safe for him I popped to the loo quickly. When I returned I found him climbing the stairs. I was utterly shocked and felt huge guilt. He could have fallen and really hurt himself all because I hadn't properly baby proofed. I should have made sure the door was shut knowing he is a little monkey looking for excitement. Luckily he wasn't hurt and I've learnt a huge lesson, never overlook anything!!!

It's only 5months now until my baby boy will be a whole year old. I wonder what he will achieve in the months running up to the big celebration, no matter what though-I'll always be a proud mummy!!

Age gaps

It feels like forever ago since having a baby crawling around the house. I'd forgotten how much hard work it can be. Suddenly you have to start putting everything out of reach and even then they still find more to play with that they shouldn't be. Simple things that you don't even think about moving. One of reggies favourite forbidden things to play with is the nappy crate. It's not that he could cause himself any serious harm playing with it all, but ripping nappies apart isn't something I'd like to encourage him to do.

Ethan is 5 years old, Georgina is 4. The age gap between them was so small that Georgina followed milestones fairly quickly after Ethan. This meant I didn't have to do much baby proofing for Georgina and remembered everything so clearly from only doing it a few months previously. This time round it all feels so new. Although I'm more confident as a mum in most areas, I still worry about things like, am I feeding reggie too much or too little. I don't remember ever worrying this much with Ethan and certainly not Georgina. I often wish the age gap between the younger two was much smaller, but in saying that it's still not a huge gap compared to many children in other families.

It makes me ask the question to myself; what is the perfect age gap?
It's one of those questions that many parents ask themselves, and yet there is no right or wrong answer. It's all personal preference, and there is no guarantee in planning a certain gap. I always knew I'd like four children fairly close together. That will never happen now as we certainly won't be having a fourth. I feel there is a fair old age difference, yet many would disagree and say three being 5 and under is close in age. Now Reggie is on the move they all play nicely together and Reggie loves looking to his older siblings to watch and learn how they do things. He laughs at them more then he does to anybody else. It's lovely to watch and I wish I could freeze them all to this age and never let them grow up!!!

At the end of the day I think the most important thing isn't how many children you have or what the age difference is, it's purely being a happy healthy family that's important!!

Anxiety and panic-the baine of my life!!

Well, at the best of times I'm an anxious, panicky worrier! I worry about everything, and I mean everything!! The general pattern for me is i begin to worry, with worry sometimes comes a bit of paranoia which in turn leads to anxiety resulting in a panic attack. I know from the start that it's coming and I'm fully aware it's likely to end in a panic attack but there is nothing I can do to stop it or even ease it, it completely controls me and consumes my thoughts!!

I've decided to blog about my anxiety and panic attacks now because I'v had two particular instances this week that always trigger it for me. So I'll start at the beginning. This could possibly turn into a lengthy post, you have been warned!!


I have a fear of dentists. A huge fear of dentists. No reason why as far as I can think of, maybe it's fear of pain, I'm not sure. At my last check up I was told I would need a wisdom tooth extraction under a general anesthetic in hospital. The thought alone filled me with anxe. A few weeks after my routine dental check up my hospital appointment arrived for Monday 20th feb. I marked it in my diary and anxiously awaited the dreaded day. I tried to bury the thought in the back of my mind as though it may disappear. I obviously knew it wouldn't but in my mind it was the safest way of thinking. With the day approaching my anxiety started to grow. With each thought my heart would race, breath felt shallow and my palms would become sweaty. These were only mild panic attacks compared to most but they were panic attacks none the less and unpleasant to experience.

My second panicky situation this week came when I felt my throat was swelling. My sister is anaphylactic with no known cause as to why. Her first anaphylactic experience I was with her. It was one of the scariest days of my life watching her becoming so poorly so quickly and seeing the panic of the doctor as he tried to right the wrongs of the imbalance in her body to literally save her life. I felt that I'd terribly let her down as I walked out of the room and left her. I was petrified that if I stayed, I'd witness my sister dying infront of me, something I couldn't cope with. Since this day, to add to my list of fears I became terrified of allergic reactions, hence the fear that filled my body as I felt my throat become tighter. Deep down I thought it was swelling from illness, but none the less, to be on the safe side I felt the need to be in the hospital. The drive there felt like hours. I'd get all anxious and start thinking my airways were closing, sure I'd die while driving. My mind would run a million synarios, all negative and unhelpful. After a few minutes it would ease, not for long though. Throughout the journey my panic would reach an all time high, where I truly thought the worst. It would begin to ease, then build back up again. I knew, somewhere, deep deep down inside I was being silly, but at that height of panic I couldn't access the rational thoughts in my mind. It's so frustrating! Once at the hospital I began to feel relaxed. After all, in the highly unlikely event, if I did have an anaphylactic shock (which I never have had) I was in the right place to be saved.

After a while of being monitored and reassured the Dr told me my diagnosis, which was not an allergic reaction. Relieved, but also feeling silly I left the hospital.

When I got home I took my antibiotics that i had to start taking again and went to bed. I was exhausted and still felt very unwell, sore and achy. After a few hrs of rest my throat still felt like razor blades so I took co-codamol and and sucked on a throat lozenge. I drifted back to the land of nod while Darren took care of all the day to day tasks.

When I woke feeling much more refreshed I became a couch potato and cuddled up with Georgina on the sofa to watch some tele. While sitting there feeling not too bad I itched my neck. It felt as though I had a rash. I went and looked in the mirror and was sure I could see a nettle type rash on my neck. I asked Darren if my neck looked ok, knowing he was unaware that a rash was an allergic reaction symptom. He said 'looks like you have a nettle rash'. I explained that was a symptom. He looked at my tongue and confirmed it was swollen. My heart began racing faster then it ever had. My palms weren't moist, they were wet. This was it, I 'knew' I was going to turn anaphylactic any minute. I rung my mum who barely spoke, she just said ring and see a Dr, now! Darren rung and was told by the doctors receptionist that there were no available appointments for the day. He simply said she has a swollen tongue and nettle rash, she told Darren to bring me in immediately. It was a sudden rush to get all three children out of the door while feeling tight chested, swollen and itchy. Was this a panic attack or was this real? Am I having an allergic reaction? I was told at hospital I wasn't, was I going to look a complete fool turning up as an emergency at the doctors surgery last thing in the day to be told there is nothing wrong. I knew I had no choice but to be seen, but still, It was a possibility that I may walk away feeling I'd wasted everyone's time. I know panic attacks feel so real.
You are so so sure that it's a real feeling, stroke, heart attack, sickness, whatever it may be, in your mind you are sure! How was I meant to be sure I was having an allergic reaction?

I went in and explained everything to the Dr. He confirmed that yes I was having an allergic reaction. After some discussion, we came to the conclusion that this has been a slow build up, each time gradually becoming worse every time I took co-codamol. Although gutted that I was allergic to codeine based medications, I felt relieved that there was something there and I hadn't conjured it all up in my mind like the mental case I was concerned I was being. I was prescribed antihistamines and he advised that I don't take products containing codeine again. Frustratingly this leaves me with a very limited range of painkillers as I'm also allergic to anti-inflammatories.

I know in my mind that this leaves me with a constant future battle of anaphylactic paranoia and phobia. The Dr explained he has only ever had one anaphylactic lady patient (which i expect is actually my sister) in all his years of practice. He is near retirement age so has many years of practice behind him which reassures me. I am aware however that when my irrational thoughts come to trouble me again his reassuring words won't enter the equation and again, I will be sure that this time is the time and i'll be certain that I'm about to die.

Do as the doctors tell you!

I am writing this blog while sitting in Yeovil a&e.

Last Thursday I was told by my GP that I had tonsillitis and ear infections in both ears. I was in so much pain, it was the worst sore throat I've ever had not to mention the earache. I was given antibiotics and told to take two tablets four times a day until I had finished all the medication.
I started taking it immediately desperate for relief from the agonising pain. Paracetamol wasn't helping me at all and unfortunately I'm allergic to voterol which rules out anti-inflammatories like ibroprufen. A friend recommended co-codomol so I sent Darren on a wild goose chase to find some for me at 7am. None of our local supermarkets sold any so had to wait until 9am when the pharmacy opened. Luckily Darren bought me some and relief came quickly after taking them.

The pattern of medication continued for a couple of days. I felt like a walking medicine cabinet taking co-codomol, antibiotics and my usual daily medication for bipolar. Still, within 2/3 days I was feeling ok and back to normal again. It was lovely to be able to swallow again and felt more energetic. I stopped taking the painkillers and antibiotics, I was feeling fine now and therefore forgot to keep taking antibiotics so didn't finish the whole course of medication like I should.

The consequence of not finishing all of my tablets was waking up during the night last night to an agonising sore throat and ears again. I feel so poorly!! I went downstairs and took some co-codamol for the pain knowing how well it eased it last time. It helped but didn't make me feel comfortable enough to sleep much for the rest of the night.

As morning approached my throat was feeling worse as the small amount of relief from the painkillers wore off. It wasnt just the pain I was struggling with now but my throat was becoming more and more swollen. When Darren woke up I asked him to look and see how my throat looked. He said it looked swollen and weird. I was still able to breathe but not freely and I became anxious. I decided I'd drive to a&e to be seen as the doctors wouldn't open for another three hours and then I may not even get an appointment for this morning. I was concerned that during that time the swelling could get worse and make breathing even harder.

I'm now sat here still waiting to be seen by a dr in a&e. I've been here 2hrs now. I feel much more comfortable sat here waiting to be seen then sitting at home worrying while waiting for a GP appointment. I'm an anxious person anyway so waiting at home I'd probably have made myself worse in my head anyway, I'm a fruitcake like that!!

Hopefully I'll be seen soon but while I wait I've learnt a valuable lesson. Never stop taking antibiotics until you have finished the whole amount prescribed to you....