The past year with bipolar

A year ago I was in hospital due to a very low period in my mood. I knew I'd have a hard time stabilising my mind but I never knew it would take so long.

I've had many medication changes and am again currently in a very low dark place. My panic attacks have become an issue for me again, but that always becomes a problem when I feel 'unwell'.

I felt very alone and didn't want talk to anyone about how I was feeling again this time. I felt embarrassed and judged which was something I thought I'd delt with. Once I did start telling friends I was surprised at how many said they'd noticed I hadn't looked or seemed myself and I've been overwhelmed with how caring and supportive some of my friends are. I'm so very lucky.

As always Darren has been my rock. He knows when I can't handle things and he never fails to step in and help me. Unfortunately this time Darren hasn't been able to work while caring for me and made the hard choice to leave work. It's such a huge relief to have him home and its aiding hugely in me feeling better.

At the moment I'm going through yet another medication change which explains why I'm low and anxious at the moment. I'm not sure I feel that things will ever get better but I'm trying to be hopeful.

For now, I'm going to focus on waking up every morning and spending time with my family and fitting in seeing friends as a bonus. I tire very quickly which then doesn't help my mood so I'm trying to find a balance.

At least it's Easter so there is plenty of chocolate about and I get to relax with all my babies at home rather then school runs and club runs.

Happy Easter everybody!!!

Another year over

So today is the last day of 2012. Many reflect on the year while making plans for the new.
I'm not sure how I feel 2012 was for me personally. There have been good times along with bad but I'm thankful that its not been horrendous and that I'll be going into 2013 with all who I love.
This year my health seems to have dominated my days and thoughts from tooth trouble to head trouble and my bipolar.
I started the year on a particular low which wasn't able to be managed with my normal medication which is when I ended up spending nearly 3 weeks in a phsyciatric unit. I left there with new friendships made and a brighter outlook. Going in there when I did saved my life without a doubt and I'm grateful to my friends, family and the staff that look after me with ongoing care, input and support.
Once all seemed to be getting back on track I started struggling with headaches and awful vision. After emergency ct scans, lumbar punctures and eye clinic appointments I was diagnosed with idiopathic intracranial hypertension which was too much pressure in my brain. More medication added to my daily doses was introduced to control this which has helped a lot.
My final health issue of this year has been my teeth. I obviously couldn't possibly have a year with no tooth problems so my mouth caused me pain and a cyst in my jaw to end the year!!
On positive notes however my three wonderfully beautiful children have all had a happy healthy year with only colds and coughs hitting any of them. Reggie has seen his first birthday, Georgina has started primary school and Ethan has continued to grow into a lovely kind little man. I couldn't be a prouder mummy and my wish for 2013 is to continue watching my babies growing and blossoming into wonderful little people.
2013 is an incredible year for Darren and myself as in march we will have been together 10 years. We're both proud of what we have been through together, how we have supported one another and how we still manage to be best friends and stronger than ever.
All in all I'm a very lucky lucky lady who can't grumble at anything about 2012. If we can make it another year with us all staying happy and healthy with a house full of love I couldn't possibly ask for any more!!
Here's to wishing everybody a happy, healthy, wealthy 2013!!

Facebook.....good or bad???

I think I know about 10 people who aren't on Facebook. All for various reasons. Some say its because its not their cup of tea, others have no idea how it works and then those who say it causes them more hassle then it's worth.

I'm personally seeing that its not Facebook that's the culprit but people on Facebook themselves!!!

I'm not pointing fingers at anyone specific as I think every single person on the site has had 'hassle' from being a member. It's more of a case that something you have said, be it a status, a comment, picture upload or checking in somewhere that has caused trouble, or on the opposite scale you having an issue with somebody else doing exactly that.

I'm a true Facebook addict. I love passing time catching up on what's going on with 'friends', seeing their photos and what they're doing. Equally I love showing off pictures of my beautiful family and updating my status with 'what's on my mind'.

Facebook infuriates me but also fills me with a happy buzz, depending on what I'm reading. Some people just constantly moan, others non stop bitching, and there is always someone constantly bragging that their life is the best. I also see things that fill me with admiration for some people. It's amazing how some have the worst things thrown at them yet they hold their head high, never moan, update on the situation and deal with it, truly inspirational!!!

I'm a big fan and don't see myself ever leaving the site, but before you moan about Facebook causing you hassle or grief think it through...is it Facebook...really????

Don't expect the worst.

I had been dreading the summer holidays more then I can say. How would I manage keeping three monkeys entertained for 6 whole weeks alone, I honestly thought I'd end up back in hospital like I did during the Easter holidays.

Well with only two weeks to go the end is in sight and I have loved the holidays!! The kids have been laid back and enjoyed restful days aswell as busy ones.

We haven't done anything massively exciting as I haven't yet found a money tree but we've enjoyed walks in the woods, trips to the park with friends, lots of picnics and of course both reggie and Ethan have had birthdays. Luckily Darren has had most Wednesdays off which split the week up making it more manageable in bite size pieces.

I regret expecting the worst but I think most people do, after all 6weeks is a long time.

Let the redecorating commence

It's June half term and I'd hoped to spend it enjoying the sun and taking trips to the park with the children. Instead we've spent most of our time indoors playing, watching films and doing jigsaw puzzles because of the horrid weather. Don't get me wrong, it's been nice, but not as nice as running around outside would have been.

The children don't go back to school until Tuesday as Monday is an inset day. This weekend all three children are going to stay with their auntie, uncle and two cousins for two nights. They are incredibly excited, they love being there. I'm a little anxious. Two nights seems like such a long time. I've never been apart from them for that long. However, Darren and I have a busy weekend planned. As a surprise for the children we are redecorating their rooms. The boys are now in one room and Georgina has her own room. We will be spending every second painting, sorting electrics and making curtains ready for their return on Sunday. I can't wait to see their faces! They are absolutely clueless to our plans. They haven't even asked what we will be doing while they are away.

Let the busy weekend commence!!!

Our shocking school walks

While Darren had 5weeks off work to help me recover from my low phase of bipolar he didn't get paid, therefore we've obviously not got much money. As a result I had to cancel the swimming membership I'd started to help me with my weightless journey. I'm now trying free ways of exercising. I'm feeling fairly stable mood wise at the moment so feel more able to kick start losing weight again. The best free form of exercise for me is walking so I'm back to walking as many school runs as possible. I love walking with the children but the things we see while walking to and from school is shocking!!

This morning we left home at 8.15. It's roughly a mile to get Ethan to school and takes us about 20 minutes. The first thing we came across that makes me cross is dog poo. It drives me bonkers that people walking their dogs dont pick up after they've been. It's not the dogs fault, they've obviously got to go, but if the owner wants a dog as a pet and walks along busy pavements pick it up. It doesn't take long and saves people having to constantly say to their children watch where your walking. The amount of times I've had to clean the wheels on my pushchair because I've wheeled through some without seeing it first or had to get the children to wipe their shoes on grass is madness.

Further up the road we were approaching some traffic lights. We have to walk along a very busy road and cross at a few places. Ethan and Georgina generally take it in turns to press the button. We then wait for the lights to turn red and the green man to light up. We'd just got to the other side as a car sped past us, running the red light. I was furious. They couldn't have been paying any attention as I checked to see if the lights were still red and they were. The driver could have caused serious injury if we'd been a little slower crossing.

We passed so many people driving while being on their mobile phones. Some were talking, holding the phone up to their ear and others were texting with the phones by their laps and flicking their eyes between the road and their lap. Another dangerous thing that infuriates me.

The final thing we saw this morning was a man driving along and reaching down into the passengers footwell. While fiddling with whatever it was he mounted the curb on his side, luckily it was on the opposite side of where we were walking. There were no pedestrians walking on the pavement that side, good thing too else that could have been awful!

We see so many people driving dangerously while we walk. Wether it be running red lights, talking on their phones, speeding or just generally not paying attention. Like I've said, I enjoy walking with my children, but I find it terrifying to think of how many people drive with no care in the world of what's going on around them. I try to keep the children safe along the road and we try to avoid dog poo but with people driving as they do and not cleaning up their dogs mess it's not easy!!

Rant over!!!

Leaving hospital

It's been a while since I last blogged as I've not really had much to write about.

Three weeks ago today I was discharged from hospital so I've been focusing on trying to pick up and getting back to day to day life. It's been harder then I ever expected it to be!! I've been so lucky to have Darren. He is so supportive and has done everything that needs doing to take the stress from me while I've been getting back on track. He's been doing the school runs, cleaning, washing, getting the kids dressed and has even learnt to tie Georgina's hair up. He has done everything!!

It's been a rollercoster, which I knew it would be, but I wasn't prepared for it. I assumed that once leaving hospital everything would just fall back into place. When I arrived home I felt glad to be back. Being with the children and in my own bed excited me, for a few hours anyway. I didn't sleep well my first night home and for the first day or two I felt rock bottom. I just kept the thought in my head that things would improve.

Over the next few days I'd have a good day and then a couple that were bad. Slowly the good days became more frequent and started to even out with the bad. I felt I was getting somewhere at last.

I'm now feeling fairly stable and having more good days then bad, but I know I will still get days of feeling hopeless while my medication is still settling down.

I'm glad I went into hospital, it was what was needed at the time. I left at the right time and have slowly recovered. None of that would have happened if it hadn't been for the support I've had, so thank you to those.

I am scared of the future. I'm worried of how I'm going to manage my bipolar so that I don't get the highs and the lows but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now I'm focusing on my family, getting Darren back to work (as he's now been off for five weeks) and trying to get life back to how it was, full of health and happiness.