Leaving hospital

It's been a while since I last blogged as I've not really had much to write about.

Three weeks ago today I was discharged from hospital so I've been focusing on trying to pick up and getting back to day to day life. It's been harder then I ever expected it to be!! I've been so lucky to have Darren. He is so supportive and has done everything that needs doing to take the stress from me while I've been getting back on track. He's been doing the school runs, cleaning, washing, getting the kids dressed and has even learnt to tie Georgina's hair up. He has done everything!!

It's been a rollercoster, which I knew it would be, but I wasn't prepared for it. I assumed that once leaving hospital everything would just fall back into place. When I arrived home I felt glad to be back. Being with the children and in my own bed excited me, for a few hours anyway. I didn't sleep well my first night home and for the first day or two I felt rock bottom. I just kept the thought in my head that things would improve.

Over the next few days I'd have a good day and then a couple that were bad. Slowly the good days became more frequent and started to even out with the bad. I felt I was getting somewhere at last.

I'm now feeling fairly stable and having more good days then bad, but I know I will still get days of feeling hopeless while my medication is still settling down.

I'm glad I went into hospital, it was what was needed at the time. I left at the right time and have slowly recovered. None of that would have happened if it hadn't been for the support I've had, so thank you to those.

I am scared of the future. I'm worried of how I'm going to manage my bipolar so that I don't get the highs and the lows but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now I'm focusing on my family, getting Darren back to work (as he's now been off for five weeks) and trying to get life back to how it was, full of health and happiness.

I want to be normal!!!

The last blog I wrote was about being in Stuart lodge in Sherborne which is a psychiatric unit. Since being here I've had a huge rollercoaster of emotions!

When I first arrived I had a very very low mood. I'd seen my psychiatrist before being admitted and it was her and my community psychiatric nurse who felt it was best I came here. On my arrival I saw the ward psychiatrist who agreed that I should stay until I was more stable.

It took a few days to adjust to the quiet surroundings, completely different to how things are at home. I felt relaxed and enjoyed the time out to try and rest. I thought I'd be bored and home within 48 hours which much to my surprise hasnt been the case.

I've been here for over a week now. On Wednesdays they have a ward round where you have a meeting about how things are going etc. I was seen last week and Darren came with me. It was a very emotional meeting with alot of tears. There were two psychiatrists and a member of the home treatment team there. We all agreed that I hadn't improved since being here so it was decided that I'd stay in longer while trying some new medication in hope that it would help.

Here I am on Saturday after being on new medication since Wednesday. I feel better then when I first arrived on the ward but If I'm honest I still feel like I have a huge uphill battle before getting back to 'normal'.

I have spent the day today at home with Darren and the children which has been really pleasant but I felt the need to come back to the ward after 6 hours of being home. This morning I felt full of life and contemplated the possibility of coming home. Now I'm realising that I'm not yet ready for the giant leap back into normality but I plan on doing more home visits in the next few days to ease myself back into luife slowly.

I now know I will get better but I have realised that I have got to be patient, which is a first for me!! I've been truly overwhelmed with all the help and support I've received from so many people!! Thank you to those people, it's been so much easier knowing people do actually care!!

My perception was so wrong....

I'm sat here in room 5 of Stewart lodge in Sherborne. Stewart lodge is a psychiatric ward for mentally unstable people. I currently fall into that category!

As I've previously blogged I have bipolar disorder. It's a mental illness that sends your mood from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. People can be admitted into a psychiatric hospital for being at either end of the scale as both can be dangerous for different reasons. I'm unfortunately here at the moment as I'm suffering from a particular low period.

I've never been to a ward like this before. I've only ever visited bog standard hospital wards to visit friends and relatives who have been physically unwell, never mentally. I'd always pictured a psychiatric ward to be very clinical with men in white coats. The typical 1960's stereotype I suppose. I've always drearded the thought of entering anywhere like this through fear of seeing 'crazy' people walking around and shouting and screaming. I'm glad to say I couldn't have been more wrong.

This unit is very laid back and relaxed. There is a communal area for watching tv, a dining room and kitchen and a small craft room along with individual rooms with your bed, sink and tv. You don't have an ensuite bathroom but all the toilets, showers and baths are very clean. There are members of staff here 24/7 and you can go to them at anytime. It's a small ward and currently only 4 of us here. We all sit together for meals at set times of the day but otherwise we are free to do as we please.

I never thought I'd be happy being away from my family and although I obviously miss them I feel much happier being here receiving the help that I need. I feel safe and secure here which is such a relief that I never thought this environment would provide.

I don't know how long I'll be here but I am aware that I'm fighting an uphill battle and to do so I need the support of the staff and other patients. Darren and the children have visited as have other people which is nice to know I'm not cut off from my outside life completely.

Some people may not understand why I'm being so open about where I am and why, but I do strongly feel that there shouldn't be a taboo about this subject and I want people to be aware that it's not a scary place like many would think it is.

While I've been here I've coloured an Easter picture for the children to have at home so that they know I'm with them in spirit during the Easter break which I actually found very therapeutic.

To sum it all up, i can't believe how wrong I was at my expectations of what a psychiatric ward would be, and I'm happy to say that I'm pleasantly surprised.

The start of a long journey.....

Over the years since meeting Darren my weight has been a battle. A silent battle that I've always been embarrassed about and therefore kept quiet as though no one else would notice.

When we met I was a tiny size 8. I didn't realise at the time being so young how lucky I was to have a figure like I did. I was perfectly proportioned for my height and never did I struggle to find clothes. I was able to walk into any shop, pick up a size 8 and it always looked as though it were made for me. I quickly became content in my relationship with Darren and therefore the lbs slowly but surely started to pile on. It never seemed to bother Darren therefore it didn't bother me. To start with anyway.

When I got married my wedding dress was a size 14. Everyone always seemed shocked when I'd say I was a 14 saying I looked smaller, therefore I carried on denying I was getting bigger.

A year of marriage passed and we then found out we were expecting our first child. Well, this meant my weight didn't matter for the next year as being a women and being pregnant surely eating was one comfort I was allowed. My denial carried on as I made excuses in my mind.

Ethan was born and I managed to fit back into my Pre-pregnancy clothes fairly soon after. My maternity clothes weren't put away for long though as I found out I was expecting again when Ethan was 7months old. My bad eating habits continued even longer.

After having Georgina the weight has piled on and on. I enjoy food and have genuinely struggled to not eat the foods I enjoy. You only live once after all. I was then pregnant with reggie and was put on tablets that I was told could cause weight gain. That then stuck in my head as another excuse.

Well here I am, 9 years after meeting Darren and several stone heavier. I can no longer ignore my size and make excuses. I am fat and there is no other word to use. I look in the mirror and could cry as I remember the me who was once thin and see someone totally different. I'm so angry for allowing myself to become this size. Well not anymore!!!

My aim is to be a size 10/12 within the next year. This is going to be hard work and I really need to exercise as well as eat properly. The reason my target is one year is because in march 2013 Darren and I will have been together 10years and I'd like to be able to look back with fond memories of being slim 10years ago rather than being upset that I'm not that size.

So here my journey starts and I'm going to try and blog my progress. I want to blog the hard times where I want to stop and share my pride as I lose. Now with a swimming memebership sorted and a cross trainer in my living room I'm all set and ready to go.......

Mothers day

Today is mothers day and I have been truly spoilt!! Not only have I recieved gifts and cards from my three children and Darren but I've also enjoyed a day of sleep and rest.

This afternoon Darren ran me a hot bubble bath using smellies that the children had given me. While laying there with my eyes closed my thoughts ran. It crossed my mind of all the children who, for whatever reason don't have a mummy to say happy mothers day to. The thought filled me with sadness.

It then occurred to me that I don't know what the future holds. I just hope I will be here many more years to come so that I get to spend many mothers days with my babies!!

Darren is my husband. He is also my soul mate and my bestest friend. He is an amazing daddy and a fabulous role model to our three children. I know, as sad as the thought might be, but if one day I wasn't here, he would also fill my shoes as best he could and be a spectacular mummy too!!!

Happy mothers to day to all mummies, past, present and future.
xxxxx

My baby boys progress

So today is the 9th of march 2012. This means that today my youngest child is 7months old. It's strange. Part of me thinks wow, this is going far too fast. The other part of me feels like he has been here forever and I can't remember him ever being a baby and not being part of the family!!

I am a very proud mummy. I'm proud of all of my children and all for different things. I don't like to boast, nor do I like other people boasting, I think it's unnecessary and can frankly be rude in many ways. Yet I find myself doing exactly this. I can't help it!! I'm so exreamly proud that I want to shout from the rooftops of my children's achievements and I'm sure this probably classes as boasting.

This whole blog is probably going to be me boasting in all honestly, so if you don't want to know I'd stop reading now!!

Reggie has accomplished a lot I feel for a 7month old. He didn't stay a 'baby' for long. While still in hospital he was lifting his head away from my shoulder as i held him, the midwives were amazed. He was then rolling over at just weeks old. I doubt many would have believed it, I was just glad the health visitor witnessed it before she thought I was stark raving mad. Her response was similar to 'wow, I've never seen anything like it, a three week old baby rolling!'

Because of these two milestones being met early I was aware that my newborn baby was incredibly strong and unlikely to stay my baby for long, much to my upset. Reggie is my last baby so my hope from the start was that I'd be able to keep him a baby for as long as possible to really make the most of it and enjoy the baby stage. Reggie however had different ideas. So far he is doing most things early. A few weeks after mastering rolling over he was able to sit up. Realising that there was more to learn he became unstoppable I'd say. He found he could go on all fours and rock. He then managed to wriggle around the room before discovering crawling. He started crawling at just 4months old and that was it, my baby finally growing up and me realising I wasnt ever going to be able to stop him.

Now at 7months old to the day he is able to pull himself up and cruise around the furniture. He is briefly able to let go of whatever he is holding to keep his balance and stand unaided. Then only yesterday, while thinking my house was safe for him I popped to the loo quickly. When I returned I found him climbing the stairs. I was utterly shocked and felt huge guilt. He could have fallen and really hurt himself all because I hadn't properly baby proofed. I should have made sure the door was shut knowing he is a little monkey looking for excitement. Luckily he wasn't hurt and I've learnt a huge lesson, never overlook anything!!!

It's only 5months now until my baby boy will be a whole year old. I wonder what he will achieve in the months running up to the big celebration, no matter what though-I'll always be a proud mummy!!

Age gaps

It feels like forever ago since having a baby crawling around the house. I'd forgotten how much hard work it can be. Suddenly you have to start putting everything out of reach and even then they still find more to play with that they shouldn't be. Simple things that you don't even think about moving. One of reggies favourite forbidden things to play with is the nappy crate. It's not that he could cause himself any serious harm playing with it all, but ripping nappies apart isn't something I'd like to encourage him to do.

Ethan is 5 years old, Georgina is 4. The age gap between them was so small that Georgina followed milestones fairly quickly after Ethan. This meant I didn't have to do much baby proofing for Georgina and remembered everything so clearly from only doing it a few months previously. This time round it all feels so new. Although I'm more confident as a mum in most areas, I still worry about things like, am I feeding reggie too much or too little. I don't remember ever worrying this much with Ethan and certainly not Georgina. I often wish the age gap between the younger two was much smaller, but in saying that it's still not a huge gap compared to many children in other families.

It makes me ask the question to myself; what is the perfect age gap?
It's one of those questions that many parents ask themselves, and yet there is no right or wrong answer. It's all personal preference, and there is no guarantee in planning a certain gap. I always knew I'd like four children fairly close together. That will never happen now as we certainly won't be having a fourth. I feel there is a fair old age difference, yet many would disagree and say three being 5 and under is close in age. Now Reggie is on the move they all play nicely together and Reggie loves looking to his older siblings to watch and learn how they do things. He laughs at them more then he does to anybody else. It's lovely to watch and I wish I could freeze them all to this age and never let them grow up!!!

At the end of the day I think the most important thing isn't how many children you have or what the age difference is, it's purely being a happy healthy family that's important!!